Jay-Z Arrested in Switzerland for Unlawful Sex with Beyonce

U.S. authorities have had a warrant for his arrest since the 2003 release of "Crazy In Love".

By David Sutherland for FakeNewsCartel.com

Zurich - American rapper Jay-Z (born Shawn Corey Carter) was arrested today in Switzerland during a cross-country promotional campaign for his latest album The Blueprint 3. The arrest stems from a 2003 warrant issued by the Harris County District Attorney's Office for "unlawful sex with Beyonce Knowles" a 2nd degree felony in the State of Texas.

The rapper, who has evaded U.S. law enforcement for 6 years now, faces extradition to Houston where if found guilty, he'll serve a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison.

Suspicion of Jay-Z's illegal activities with Beyonce began in 2002 when the then 19-year-old singer was featured on the rapper's song "03 Bonnie & Clyde". Although the public brushed off the collaboration as standard music industry practice, the odd-ball pairing of the stunning Knowles and the "gargoyle-esque" looking Carter caught the eye of Harris County District Attorney Patricia R. Lykos.

"Have you ever seen a picture of Beyonce before," asked Lykos. "She's probably the hottest woman in the world. There's no way someone as beautiful as her has been having consensual sex with a man like Jay-Z for 6 or 7 years now. Once we saw the video for "Crazy In Love", we issued a warrant and decided to prosecute."

Despite Beyonce's repeated declarations that her and Jay-Z have been dating for years, and were in fact married in April 2008, members of the Harris County District Attorney's Office find this claim to be "completely implausible" and an affront to "common sense, human decency and the natural laws of physical attraction."

"I know he's rich, but he can't be that rich. With a face like that you'd have to have Saudi prince money to land Beyonce," said District Attorney Lykos. "She probably has Stockholm Syndrome."

Representatives for both Beyonce and Jay-Z claim that a 2008 New York State marriage license will prove the rapper's innocence. However, prosecutors for the case cite the rapper's unwillingness to talk about Beyonce with the media as proof of his criminal conspiracy to brain-wash the most beautiful woman in the world.

"It's been one a hell of a ride catching this guy," said William Sorukas of the U.S. Marshals Service. "But now we can finally put the man who's been masquerading as Beyonce Knowles's boyfriend and husband behind bars where he belongs. Once he's in jail and they're no longer together, the world will make a lot more sense."

Jay-Z's trial is set for November 21st in Houston.

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Obama's Bipartisan Health Care Reform Compromise: Private Insurance for Some, Q-Ray Bracelets for Others

By David Sutherland for FakeNewsCartel.Com

September 21, 2009

Washington - After months of intense criticism by a militant and united opposition to the Democrat's Affordable Health Choices Act, President Obama unveiled his plan for compromise and bipartisanship on Monday.

In a speech before a joint session of Congress, President Obama announced that he supports both private insurance companies and a substantial public option. However, the controversial public option has been retooled to center around the awesome healing power of the revolutionary Q-Ray bracelet.

"Over one million Q-Ray bracelets have been sold, but still, millions of Americans are weary and wonder if the Q-Ray bracelet is the right bracelet for them," Obama stated at the start of his speech. "Well, it doesn't have to be that way, because under our new plan all of the Q-Ray products carry a 30 day money back guarantee."

Under the current health care system, a Q-Ray bracelet would cost an uninsured American any where from 100 to 250 dollars, but with the addition of a public option, an uninsured citizen would only have to make 4 easy payments of $9.95. Furthermore, the uninsured citizen would also get a pair of HD Vision Wrap Around sunglasses absolutely free of charge.

President Obama has described the Q-Ray bracelet as the "epitome" of American ingenuity and innovation. The product, which uses advanced ionization technology, can only be described as a sort-of silver horseshoe shaped band of metal. When the device is placed on a human wrist it works wonders and either alleviates or cures every ailment and illness imaginable.

"I'm no doctor," Obama quipped in front of Congress. "And I don't always understand how ionization works, but listen to me loud and clear when I say this: it worked for me, and for only 4 easy payments of $9.95, it can work for you too."

Obama continued, "Now is the season for action. Now is when we must bring the best ideas of both parties together, and show the American people that we can still do what we were sent here to do. Now is the time to deliver on health care. Now is the time to deliver on health care. Now is the time for the American citizen to reach for their phones and dial 1-866-299-7729 and buy this revolutionary product!"

Obama's speech was hailed by both Democrats and Republicans as an achievement in political compromise.

Representatives for the Q-Ray bracelet were only available for comment during the first 20 minutes after the president's speech.

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Dick Cheney Furious with Dan Brown's Inaccurate Portrayal of the Masons in The Lost Symbol

"We don't drink out of skulls! We siphon the blood from orphaned babies," claims the furious former VP.

By David Sutherland for FakeNewsCartel.com

Wyoming - September 17th 2009

Dan Brown's latest novel The Lost Symbol has received criticism for its inaccurate and misleading portrayal of the rituals of Freemasons from an unlikely source: the former Vice President of the United States.

Dick Cheney, long believed to be an elite member of several secret societies, lashed out against Dan Brown for what he claims is "a perversion of the true purpose of Freemasonry and the bastardization of our rituals."

"Mr. Brown clearly knows nothing about what we do," Cheney said while on vacation at his expansive cabin in northern Wyoming. "For example, in Chapter 38, when Robert Langdon discovers a Chamber of Reflection in the subbasement of the U.S. Capitol, Brown writes that we use these rooms for reflection and meditation. Wrong! These are rape rooms, idiot!"

Brown's novel, which follows the life of fictional Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon as he solves Masonic mysteries, has proven to be just as controversial as his previous two books, The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons.

For example, in Chapter 6 Brown writes that the Masons are a society that is above racial and religious discrimination when accepting new members, a claim that Cheney calls "absolute bull dick."

"The Masons are a society of white protestant males who seek to advance the cause of white protestant males. End of discussion," Cheney fumed. "It's not fair that this man should be allowed to freely misrepresent our rituals which for centuries have kept white men like me rich and powerful."

Instead of pursuing legal action against the writer, the former Vice President plans to bludgeon 33 virgins to death at the base of the Washington monument in an attempt to try and coax the Masonic Supreme Council of Scottish Rite into action.

Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol is available in hardcover both online and at your local bookstore for $29.95 from Doubleday.

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News in Brief: Congressman Joe Wilson Interrupts Taylor Swift's MTV Award Acceptance Speech

September 13th 2009

By David Sutherland for FakeNewsCartel.com

New York - Congressman Joe Wilson from South Carolina's 2nd District rudely interrupted 19 year-old country music singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night.

Swift, who beat out the heavily favored pop singer Beyonce for the Best Female Video award, was about to give her acceptance speech when an angry Wilson stormed on stage and proceeded to berate the young singer calling her a liar and a cheat.

"You lie," Wilson yelled repeatedly as a team of security guards forcibly removed him from the venue.

Spokespersons for MTV had no idea how the congressman ended up at the ceremony and have since sent a formal apology to Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift's publicist played down the incident as harmless, and acknowledged that country music often inspires dumb Southerners to say outlandish shit.

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President Obama's "Back to School" speech contains dangerous amounts of hope and inspiration: Republicans.

The controversial speech has been denounced by Republicans as "unnecessarily inspirational" and "disturbingly apolitical".

Washington D.C. - September 7th 2009

By David Sutherland for FakeNewsCartel.com

For decades, American public schools have oppressed and hindered the dreams of millions of children, dimming countless bright lights and inspiring a culture of mediocrity, and it looks like Republican leaders hope to keep it that way.

"There's no way that we should let our children be subjected to a presidential address in their schools" said a visibly irate Tim Pawlenty, the Governor of Minnesota.

Governor Pawlenty, who is rumored to be a Republican candidate for the 2012 presidential election, spoke out against Obama's "Back to School" speech that is set to air in classrooms across the nation today.

"This speech is an outrage," Pawlenty yelled to reporters, "and it's the absolute height of liberal arrogance to think that one man can inspire the American youth with a passionately delivered, well composed message that relates directly to their interests and needs."

Pawlenty wasn't the only politician upset with President Obama's speech, and Florida GOP Chairman Jim Greer expressed his concern with the controversial issue of inspiring children.

"Call me old fashioned, but I don't think the government should be interfering with our children and telling them that they can accomplish anything if they work hard and study," Pawlenty said. "Children should have the right to chose the ways in which they acquire inspiration, and they should not be forced to deal with the public option that President Obama clearly supports."

"When I was in 12th grade, President Reagan instilled in me real American values, namely that Russia was evil, and crack-heads were going to kill us all, and I turned out all right."

Spokespersons for both Pawlenty and Greer said that the two are traveling to Washington to support their constitutional right to bear arms during President Obama's primetime speech to congress about health care reform.

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Written by David Sutherland for FakeNewsCartel.com

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